he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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