i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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