Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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