I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
