Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
