I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize