mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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