I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
