i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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