So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
