Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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