i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
