I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
