So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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