Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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