I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
