I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
