Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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