Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
