Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
