i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
