is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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