I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
