That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Are my feet made of real feet?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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