I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
