I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
