if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
accomplished twins. life is a go
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
