I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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