Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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