there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
