went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
