Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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