You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
