Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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