so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize