an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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