Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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