why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
