so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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