that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
