He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
