I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
