no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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