We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
