So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
