why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I licked your asshole in confidence.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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