i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
