I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
