woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
