how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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