Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
