I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
