Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
