Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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