Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
