i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
