just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
