pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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