# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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