I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
