ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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