Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
