Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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