I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
