My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
