The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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